Tuesday, August 23, 2011

I Hate Love

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life. You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

It's a Neil Gaiman quote. And I feel he is perfectly correct to the last dot. A small dumb act and your life ain’t yours anymore. You know it is slipping out of your hand. Slowly, steadily; like sand tricking down an hourglass. You watch the reins you were so sure of; lying limply on the floor. The acts of stupidity do not end there. You keep waiting; remorselessly. So that the dumb person can come back and repeat the dumb act just once again. No he won’t. You probably know that more than anyone else. But you still wait. Patiently; hope flared by each ring of your phone, each new mail tag of your inbox.

Life changes, places, friends, offices. The yearning remains the same. You pine for the familiarity of your past. The warmth of the arms that once closed you off from the entire world. The soul and the body which cocooned you promising to be there forever. You close your eyes some nights and you can smell the faint cologne. You can feel the warm breath on your neck. Hear the voice which never professed love. But then both of you had heard the unsaid. It drives you insane; when you open your eyes and don't see the person whom you want the most in your life. And you shrug and carry on as if nothing has ever happened. Secretly you hope for a day when he would comeback. Hold you like before and tell you that he has come back never to go away.
Insane and cruel, that was what love was all about. And I hate it for breaking my heart and tearing it into pieces. ". .  I hate love.”

P.S: I had written this about a year ago when my heart was broken. Written when there were holes as big as the craters in moon. I do not claim that my heart right now is a cardiologist’s dream but I have managed to paste and staple it back into place. Fingers crossed. Now I don’t hate love, just a big wary as to where I put my heart these days.
I say a lot of nasty stuff but my poor heart cannot hate anybody. Even if that “anybody” has roasted my heart in stale cooking oil, my heart forgives. I kind of hate my heart for it. How ironic!

P.P.S: Purba, you told me I’ll make it, I made it.


  1. Time heals!Well thats wht we call hope right?
    Though the memories remain forever to haunt, you somehow get used to that pain to such an extent that they are not pain anymore but just ugly thoughts of the past. Soon those ugly thoughts become plain remembrances.

    People change and things still go on. If you thought you wouldnt live through this pain, you wouldnt have been alive now.So be happy hun!

    You are loved!

  2. Time heals, true....sorry your heart was broken. The Vedic scriptures, poetic and beautiful, tell us that the heart is like a clay pot, and once broken, can never really be mended ..... I tend to agree. And I'm not sure if that's a bad thing.

  3. @Red Handed : Hope is a powerful thing.
    @Meditating Lion:Thanks dear.When I wrote this I was in real hopeless situation (according to me).:D
    @Braja : A broken heart mends a scattered brain.:D.It did me good.But then what is a life without a tragic love story to recount in old age.

  4. Aw.. very nice and very true.. :)

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  6. I remember reading that post of yours - it was raw. I wanted that girl to heal. Thank God it's just a memory now. She smiles, writes witty posts - I am glad I was part of that journey.

  7. thank god ur better now. but that was a heart wrenching post. did u feel better after writing it?

  8. Beautiful post... and very true. But then, "it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all." Believe me, broken hearts become better people whe they find love again! And there will be a time when you can look back and smile at the memories.

  9. @KP : Thank you
    @Purba : I'm happy to I made it.
    @Nirvana : It did make a whole lot stronger.

  10. Time is one of the greatest healer and hope plays its part along with it :)
    and u simply cannot hate an emotions as strong as love...it HAS to be a part of ur life, in whatever form it may exist. and above all its the love for our own 'self' that turns life around :D


  11. putting out things from your hearts itself soothes...i know its really hard.....but there is nothing like inevitable or impossible....life will go on ....

  12. sigh!! every single one of us has been there...done that...and still gotten out alive!

    if love doesnt kill you, it does make you stronger :)

    Love in the times of samsung galaxy tab
    check this out and do vote for it (promote it on indiblogger) if you like it...


  13. I dont hate love but the things which comes when you are in love...Lol

  14. Sometimes I think how life would have taken me if I didnt have a first love. And I feel I would have missed something big in life. It was tough for a while to come out but then it was worth that fight.

    Agree with Nirvana that we become better persons when we fall in love the second time.

    Admire your writing. Glad to have come across this post today.

  15. true...and happens to every one .

  16. Some stories have no ending! Keep going, may be God has bigger plans for You! Its just a promo!

  17. @ConfusedYuppie : I guess it did in some strange ways,time heals..
    @subtlescribbler : You are right Sarah,time heals and mean time we should learn to love ourselves a bit more :-)
    @Roshan : "The show must go on.."..

  18. @Pri:Couldn't agree more..
    @Shaan: Actually when you are out of a relation you think of the stupid things you have done in the name of love and feel idiotic about it.
    @Nandhini:Totally agree..It doesn't matter how hard you fall,but it matters whether you pull yourself up or not.

  19. @Chitra : :-)
    @Ankit:Hahaha hope God doesn't make plans to break my heart again..